Kobe Bryant

True story, when Michael Jordan's contract ran out with the Bulls in the mid-90s, his agent David Falk called up owner Jerry Reinsdorf and said that if the team didn't pay MJ what he wanted, they would immediately cut of negotations and sign with the New York Knicks. Obviously, Reinsdorf knew that letting the best player of all time and the biggest sports attraction of his generation sign with their hated rival would've been a disaster, so he ended up paying Jordan $63 million over two years.

I think it's always dumb to play "What if?" when talking about anything, because really, anyone could just make up any bullshit story for any scenario. But I do believe, deep down in the bottom of my soul, that a New York Knicks team with Patrick Ewing and Michael Jordan would have not only been able to win multiple NBA championships, but also invade and conquer the entire universe. Not only that, I'm fairly convinced that combo would've somehow contribute to the end of disease and famine throughout the world. God could have fielded a team with Buddha, Jesus, Allah, and whoever the fuck the Mormons worship to play against MJ and Patrick, and God's team would've gotten their asses beat.

That story kills me, not just because the Knicks are the only team I root for that hasn't won a championship, but because the team has become such a clusterfuck under Isiah Thomas, and the future doesn't seem bright at all.

At least, until this weekend. Because Kobe Bryant demanded a traded from the Lakers, and the three teams on his list are the Phoenix Suns, the Chicago Bulls, and the New York Knicks.

I've always hated Kobe Bryant, mostly because he's on the Lakers and people on that team have no souls, but mostly because he's an asshole. I admit that I've hated him less over the last couple of years, mostly because he's stopped pretending that he isn't an asshole, and also because he really is a lot of fun to watch. In any given game, when Kobe's on fire, he's capable of doing things that no one has ever done before, not even Michael Jordan. He's the best individual basketball player in the world today.

It probably won't happen, because the Knicks don't have a lot to offer the Lakers in terms of a trade, at least compared to the Bulls or the Suns. But if it somehow happens, it would be one of the most exciting moments of my life. It'll be up there with Tony Soprano sitting in a diner playing Journey and the time in college when we threw shaving cream and toilet paper on Manny and he had to walk through campus looking like a retard.

Eddy Curry and Kobe Bryant aren't Patrick Ewing and Michael Jordan. But they'll do.