VMAs 2K6

The MTV Video Music Awards are tonight. The only reason I know this is because I opened up the newspaper and there was a big ad for it. I completely forgot about it. I'm really slipping in my old age. Ten years ago, there was no way I would've missed out on such an event. MTV is going back to Radio City Music Hall and Jack Black (aka Jesus) is hosting. I think a couple people from work are going tonight, but I'm can't because they're high rollers and I'm not.

Damn.

When I was a kid, I used to make predictions for everything. The Super Bowl, World Series, whether or not my friend Cody would go to jail before he turned 21 (Fun Fact #5, he did~!!) I still like to do that to see how right or wrong I am, so even though I haven't seen 90% of the videos nominated, here are my guesses as to who wins.

VIDEO OF THE YEAR
* Christina Aguilera — "Ain't No Other Man"
* Madonna — "Hung Up"
* Panic! at the Disco — "I Write Sins Not Tragedies"
* Red Hot Chili Peppers — "Dani California"
* Shakira (featuring Wyclef Jean) — "Hips Don't Lie"

When I first heard Panic! at the Disco, I thought that it was the name of a Fallout Boy song. I realized that it was an actual band about....5 minutes ago when I looked up the nominees.

I can't believe people still take Madonna seriously. The only video I've seen is the Shakira one, but The Chili Peppers always make good videos. I'm not predicting either of them though, because Christina Aguilera has the #1 album at the moment and is getting praise from everyone so I'm predicting her.

WINNER: Christina Aguilera — "Ain't No Other Man"

BEST MALE VIDEO
* Busta Rhymes (featuring Mary J. Blige, Rah Digga, Missy Elliott, Lloyd Banks, Papoose, and DMX) — "Touch It Remix"
* James Blunt — "You're Beautiful"
* Kanye West (featuring Jamie Foxx) — "Gold Digger"
* Nick Lachey — "What's Left Of Me"
* T.I. — "What You Know"

James Blunt and Nick Lachey are nominated. I didn't realize they allowed women into the Best Male Video Category, but I support feminism so they are more than welcome.

I've only seen Gold Digger, so that's what I'm predicting.

WINNER: Kanye West (featuring Jamie Foxx) — "Gold Digger"

BEST FEMALE VIDEO
* Christina Aguilera — "Ain't No Other Man"
* Kelly Clarkson — "Because of You"
* Madonna — "Hung Up"
* Nelly Furtado (featuring Timbaland) — "Promiscuous"
* Shakira (featuring Wyclef Jean) — "Hips Don't Lie"

Remember when Christina and Britney Spears had that gigantic rivalry that was like the Larry Bird/Magic Johnson feud of pop music? Turns out it was more like Michael Jordan/Charles Barkley, right down to the loser becoming fat and hilarious.

WINNER: Christina Aguilera — "Ain't No Other Man"

BEST GROUP VIDEO
* The All-American Rejects — "Move Along"
* Fall Out Boy — "Dance, Dance"
* Gnarls Barkley — "Crazy"
* Panic! at the Disco — "I Write Sins Not Tragedies"
* Red Hot Chili Peppers — "Dani California"

Speaking of Barkley, I think Gnarls is as great as Charles. So I'm picking them.

WINNER: Gnarls Barkley — "Crazy"

BEST RAP VIDEO
* 50 Cent — "Window Shopper"
* Busta Rhymes (featuring Mary J. Blige, Rah Digga, Missy Elliott, Lloyd Banks, Papoose, and DMX) — "Touch It Remix"
* Chamillionaire (featuring Krayzie Bone) — "Ridin'"
* T.I. — "What You Know"
* Yung Joc (featuring Nitti) — "It's Goin' Down"

When in doubt in this category, pick the one with the most featured guest appearances. Rule #124, you want to keep the number of angry black people to a minimum.

WINNER: Busta Rhymes (featuring Mary J. Blige, Rah Digga, Missy Elliott, Lloyd Banks, Papoose, and DMX) — "Touch It Remix"

BEST R&B VIDEO
* Beyoncé (featuring Slim Thug and Bun B) — "Check on It"
* Chris Brown — "Yo (Excuse Me Miss)"
* Jamie Foxx (featuring Ludacris) — "Unpredictable"
* Mariah Carey — "Shake It Off"
* Mary J. Blige — "Be Without You"

Beyonce, just because she should be on camera as much as possible.

WINNER: Beyoncé (featuring Slim Thug and Bun B) — "Check on It"

BEST HIP HOP VIDEO
* Black Eyed Peas — "My Humps"
* Common — "Testify"
* Daddy Yankee — "Rompe"
* Kanye West (featuring Jamie Foxx) — "Gold Digger"
* Three 6 Mafia (featuring Young Buck, Eightball, and MJG) — "Stay Fly"

Three 6 Mafia won the Oscar for Best Original Song for "Hard Out Here For A Pimp". I can't imagine MTV wouldn't give them the award unless they didn't want to be taken seriously.

Wait a second...

WINNER: Three 6 Mafia (featuring Young Buck, Eightball, and MJG) — "Stay Fly"

BEST DANCE VIDEO
* Madonna — "Hung Up"
* Nelly Furtado (featuring Timbaland) — "Promiscuous"
* Pussycat Dolls (featuring Snoop Dogg) — "Buttons"
* Sean Paul — "Temperature"
* Shakira (featuring Wyclef Jean) — "Hips Don't Lie"

I used to hate Sean Paul, but he's growing on me. I think if Martians rapped, they'd sound like him.

I'm picking Shakira because I'm guessing they'd have to give her an award somewhere.

WINNER: Shakira (featuring Wyclef Jean) — "Hips Don't Lie"

BEST ROCK VIDEO
* 30 Seconds To Mars — "The Kill"
* AFI — "Miss Murder"
* Green Day — "Wake Me Up When September Ends"
* Panic! at the Disco — "I Write Sins Not Tragedies"
* Red Hot Chili Peppers — "Dani California"

WINNER: Fall Out Boy — "Panic! at the Disco"

BEST POP VIDEO
* Christina Aguilera — "Ain't No Other Man"
* Madonna — "Hung Up"
* Nelly Furtado (featuring Timbaland) — "Promiscuous"
* P!nk — "Stupid Girls"
* Shakira (featuring Wyclef Jean) — "Hips Don't Lie"

I'm not sure if Pink is now spelling her name P!nk, or if the site I get this from is just fucking with me. Either way, I'd like to announce that I'm spelling my name with a zero instead of an O from now on.

I think Christina is gonna sweep.

WINNER: Christina Aguilera — "Ain't No Other Man"

BEST NEW ARTIST
* Angels and Airwaves — "The Adventure"
* Avenged Sevenfold — "Bat Country"
* Chris Brown (featuring Juelz Santana) — "Run It!"
* James Blunt — "You're Beautiful"
* Panic! at the Disco — "I Write Sins Not Tragedies"
* Rihanna — "S.O.S."

I've run out of things to say.

WINNER: Rihanna — "S.O.S."

VIEWER'S CHOICE
* Chris Brown (featuring Juelz Santana) — "Run It!"
* Fall Out Boy — "Dance, Dance"
* Kelly Clarkson — "Because of You"
* Rihanna — "S.O.S."
* Shakira (featuring Wyclef Jean) — "Hips Don't Lie"

I have no clue.

WINNER: Whoever's the most popular at the moment. Probably Shakira.

The other awards are useless technical awards that no one cares about, but MTV likes to include to give the show legitimacy. I actually feel confident in my picks even though I've only seen a few of these videos and haven't watched MTV in a year.

We'll see how I did a little later.