Chessmaster

I must confess, there are times when I look at my life, and I realize there is something missing. I'm in my mid-20s, and I look in the mirror and say "Why haven't I followed my dreams?" There are times I feel lost. There are times when I wake up in the middle of the night and just stare in the mirror. Sometimes I sit in the park, and I cry. People look at me and ask what is wrong, and I can only give them one answer once I stop sobbing on their shoulder. There is only one reason, and one reason alone.

I never became a master chess player.

I like all sorts of competition. If something has to do with winning and losing, chances are I'm interested in it. It's why I'm into sports, award shows, and politics. All are wildly different, but they're similar because each has one winner, and a bunch of losers wondering what went wrong. The delusional and bitter ones blame their loss on luck. In the NBA or MLB or any organized professional sport, an inferior player/team can conceivably win over a superior one if they play hard, get enough breaks, and catch fire at the right time. Otherwise, Tiger Woods would win every Major and the Yankees would win the pennant every year. The Academy Awards is ultimately a popularity contest, so the winners have to be lucky enough to work their way into the film industry, so they can sleep with enough voters in the Academy. The best movies don't always win Best Picture. Electoral politics is like the Academy Awards, only you have to sleep with much uglier people in order to win. The most qualified person isn't always elected. Obviously, it takes a lot of talent and hard work to be a great athlete, actor, or politician. Not everyone can just wake up and do those things. Still though, a lot of luck is involved for the most successful of those.

Chess is different from any other form of competition because there is next to no luck involved. With chess, you're either good, or you're not. You either see how the game is going to turn out, or you don't. A superior chess player will always beat an inferior one. That is appealing to me, because it's one of the few times the winner of a tournament can say "I am the best" and mean it. A chess champion can be arrogant enough to wear a crown all day, because they are great, and because it also make a lot of sense. After all, the game is only over when the King is defeated. If a player goes undefeated to win a tournament, then he is the King. He has all the perks. The King gets all the ladies, he has tons of servants, and his only job is to sit on a throne. The only bad part about being the King is he can only move one space at a time.

I never became a King. I don't even qualify as one of the other Face Cards. As a senior in high school, I wanted an class where I could just relax and get an easy A, so I ended up taking a chess class. In a move reminiscent of a bad chess player, I didn't think ahead when I made that decision. Pawns died under my watch like they had terminal cancer. I was responsible for the deaths of more horses than Vito Corleone. It got to the point where I'd sit in front of the board, and the Queen would look at me and say "No." I'd move my Bishop to C10, and my king would explode. I ended up with a B, which was a more than generous grade considering I was the worst player in the class.

I even feel more like a fool for being so bad at chess, because it is one of the few places where genius is easily identifiable. If the best chess players qualify as genius, what does that make the worst? They have to look at other areas to receive the ultimate stamp of greatness. One of the other categories is "math". I am even worse at math than I am at chess. I don't remember how to add without a calculator. If anyone asks me what 5+8 is, I have to open up Microsoft Excel and put 5 and 8 on the first two cells, then write "=SUM(A1,B1)". If someone asks me about the Pythagorean Theorem, I answer "It's the sum of...look over there!", then I run in the opposite direction . I can never be a mathematical genius.

The other category where pure genius is measured easily is "evil". As far as evil goes, I can do little things like stealing pens from the office, or making fun of how homeless people smell. That's not evil genius though. Evil genius involves wearing capes and/or making things blow up. I can wear a cape, and I think I look very rugged and dangerous in one, but the blowing stuff up part is tricky. I don't know how to make anything explode, unless I move my bishop to C10. Worse, I don't want to make things explode. I like the way buildings and buses look. I try to get along with everyone. I can never be an evil genius.

I can never be a chess genius either, and that's okay. There are millions who don't care to be good at chess. There are many who don't know how to play the game. There are pirates who can't play because they have hooks for hands and cannot move the pieces. It has taken me a long time to accept that it's okay if I'm not a great chess master. So with a heavy heart, I am giving up my dreams of becoming a chess champion. I will now dedicate my time and energy into becoming a great dancer! The greatest dancer...in the world!

Wait... I'm not a good dancer either. I only dance when I'm completely drunk. And by dance, I mean, fall on the floor. I don't even like dancing. I like it as much as I like falling on the floor.

Crap.