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Fun fact #552: I can read faster than anyone alive in America.

Okay, maybe I don't. But considering the illiteracy rates in this country today, I'd say that it's at least possible that I actually do read quicker than anyone in the United States. I read really fucking fast. I would extend that hyperbole to the entire world, but Chinese and Indian people are really smart.

The new, and last, Harry Potter book comes out on July 21st. Unfortunately, I'm taking a road trip that weekend, meaning that there is a chance that I will probably not read the book until Monday night. I've been aware of this for a couple of weeks now, but it just hit me recently that it is entirely possible that everyone I know will finish the book before I can have a chance to even read the first chapter.

That, of course, can't happen.

One thing I do have going for me is that no one I know reads as fast as I do. I know this because I'm pretty convinced that no one in America reads as fast as me, and 99.9% of the people I know live in America. Two, it's a long book, so I'm pretty sure that people won't be finishing it in a day or two. So even with the head start, I'm about 60% sure I'll finish the book before everyone.

So I am preparing to do this by training, Rocky-style. Unlike Rocky, instead of training by running through Philadelphia, I'm training by reading as much as I can in a short amount of time. Like Rocky, I'm doing these exercises accompanied by "Gonna Fly Now". I seriously am. That song gets me pumped up like no other, pumped up to lie down on my bed and read about wizards and classic rock.

I re-read the first two Harry Potter books yesterday and Chuck Klosterman's Killing Yourself To Live: 85% of a True Story (Fun fact #553: I'm 85% sure that's my favorite book. I pick it up and start/finish it every couple of months. Coincidentally, it's about going on a road trip.). And today I've gotten halfway through re-reading the third Potter Book (I'm at the part where Harry faints during the Quidditch match) while reading the paperback version of Chuck Klosterman IV (I'm on the chapter where Chuck reviews the Metallica documentary, Some Kind of Monster). That's right, I read three books in one day and I'm reading two books at the same time. And that's right, I'm actually bragging about this.

One might ask, why do you care so much about finishing the book before everyone? There are many reasons, which I will outline below.

A.) I don't want someone to talk to me and accidentally (or intentionally) spoil the ending of the book. I've waited years to find out what happens to that kid, and I don't want to find out from some douchebag who can't keep his mouth shut. I also hate when people say "Oh, I finished the book/TV episode/movie, but don't worry, I won't tell you what happens." I want to punch those people in the face.

2.) I like holding things over people, and knowing the ending to Harry Potter before everyone would give me a lot of joy. Ironically, as outlined above, I hate it when people do this to me. If I wasn't myself, I would probably hate myself.

D.) I hate it when people beat me at anything. It drives me nuts. I know if I find out that someone I know finished Harry Potter before me, I won't get over it for another month or so. I don't know why I care about this, but I do. There are about 100 more important things going on in the world, and about 10 things in my life that are more pressing, but the thing I'm worried about the most is how I can finish Harry Potter before everyone I know. So there's a better than average chance that instead of enjoying my trip and mini-vacation like a normal person, I'll end up sitting in a Borders trying to finish Deathly Hallows.

Okay, maybe there's a great chance that's gonna happen.

Oh, who am I kidding? That's exactly what's gonna happen.