Bitches

This weekend, I went on a road trip to watch the premiere for Something Missie, which is a movie about fucking a seamonkey. It was a funny movie, even though we were the only people laughing. The reason that we went on the road trip to Indiana, a state that has absolutely nothing in it, was to see the movie and go to the reception and buy T-Shirts with animals on it, and all in all I would say that it was a good reason to go.

However, that is not the most important thing that happened on this trip.

I also got to read the final Harry Potter book, which I won't talk about except to say that Chapter 33 might be my favorite chapter of the series. One of the waitresses told me a spoiler that she heard, and I won't say whether it came true or not, but I will say that everything that happened was close to perfect. Finishing Harry Potter before we got back to the city was a goal of mine, and I'm glad I was able to achieve it.

However, that's not the most important thing that happened on this trip.

We also drove the wrong way on a one way street and almost died.

However, that's not the most important thing that happened on this trip.

The most important thing that happened on this trip was Bitches.

Bitches is a card game that Danny, Brian, Sachie, and I invented. I must admit, it's the best game on Earth, far surpassing GTA: San Andreas and barely beating making fun of Manny. It's a game of kings and a game of champions. It's a game of skill. It's a game of honor. And once you play the game, there's no turning back.

The rules for Bitches are as follows (as many as 52 players can play):

• Deal out all the cards to all the players.
• Anyone holding any Queens (or Bitches) moves on to the next round.
• Anyone who doesn't have any Bitches gets bitch-slapped and is out of the game.
• Second round, same rules apply. If one person holds the majority of the cards is Bitch and the winner of the game.
• In the case of a tie, there is sudden death overtime (or Bitch-off), and whoever holds the majority of cards is Bitch and wins the game.
• If someone manages to get all 4 Bitches, he or she is named Super Duper Mega Queen Bitch. Only two players in the history of Bitches has ever accomplished this feat. It's a special club that only the bitchiest can enter.

As you can tell from the instructions above, it's a complex and involved game. Therefore, I will repeat the instructions below.

• Deal out all the cards to all the players.
• Anyone holding any Queens (or Bitches) moves on to the next round.
• Anyone who doesn't have any Bitches gets bitch-slapped and is out of the game.
• Second round, same rules apply. If one person holds the majority of the cards is Bitch and the winner of the game.
• In the case of a tie, there is sudden death overtime (or Bitch-off), and whoever holds the majority of cards is Bitch and wins the game.
• If someone manages to get all 4 Bitches, he or she is named Super Duper Mega Queen Bitch. Only two players in the history of Bitches has ever accomplished this feat. It's a special club that only the bitchiest can enter.

Bitches.