I had some free time today, and I started reflecting on my life and my situation, and I realized that there must be more to life than this. I go to work every day, I come home, I eat food, and then I go to sleep. And that's pretty much explains my day, week in and week out. I'm doing all right for myself, and I really can't say that I have anything to complain about, but deep down, I feel as if I'm a little empty inside. I guess that everyone feels this way from time to time. It's natural. It's human nature, to wonder what the future is going to bring, and how to control your future and change it for the better. We all want to be something more than what we really are, and eventually we all come to the point in our lives where we have to take a look at ourselves and take responsibility for our actions.
Which is why I am going to go on Entertainment Tonight and claim that I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.
Shocking, I know. But this is the truth¹. The following is my official statement on the matter.
Like many others, I was deeply saddened by Anna Nicole's death on Thursday. I was really looking forward to the life that we would have been shared a life together. As we all know, dear Anna Nicole was a troubled soul, and I believed that I could be her shoulder to cry on, a rock that she could lean on, but alas, it was not meant to be. This tragedy has touched many, but most of all her newborn son who certainly meant the world to her. So, with a heavy heart, I bravely and humbly accept my role as his father and I pledge to raise our child as best we could.
Some scoundrels in the media may say that I am doing this for the money. I find those claims to be outrageous and petty. How dare you. How dare you claim that my acceptance of $1 million dollars to appear on Entertainment Tonight is about the money. This is about the love. This is not about the money, or the trip to the Bahamas I am taking while ET interviews me, or the mink coat that I will only wear when I brush my teeth. This is about the love.
A great poet once said, "Goodbye, Norma Jean, though I never knew you at all, you had the grace to uphold yourself, while those around you crawl". If you replaced the name "Norma Jean" with "Anna Nicole" and "I never knew you at all" with "I fathered your newborn son", you would have my exact feelings about my dear love, Anna Nicole.
And it seems to me...she lived her life...like a candle in the wind...
¹Actually, it's not true at all. Unless someone reading this is willing to give me millions of dollars to raise that kid. In that case, yes it is.
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