Shocked

From The Worldwide Leader in Sports

RALEIGH, N.C. -- Olympic champion Marion Jones said in a statement on Monday she was shocked her initial drug test from a June sample was positive.

She added she had requested the testing of her second sample be expedited.

The comments, issued by attorney Howard Jacobs, were the first by Jones since sources said on Friday she had tested positive for the banned blood-boosting drug erythropoietin (EPO).

According to multiple media reports citing sources familiar with the case, Jones' "B" sample is scheduled to be tested on Sept. 6.

Jones, 30, a five-time Olympic medalist, failed an initial drug test at the U.S. championships in June. Her coach, Steve Riddick, told Reuters he received a text message from the former Olympic champion telling him traces of EPO had been found in her failed drug test.

I'm disappointed in Marion. Not because she got caught cheating, I don't care about that, but because she pulled a Palmeiro and acted shocked that she tested positive. If you're going to deny using performance enhancing drugs, go the Landis route and make 2343914012 excuses for the failed test. That was a lot of fun. It reminded me of being in 3rd grade and telling my parents that I failed the science test because I drank too much Jack Daniels the night before.

I think it would've been great if Marion or Floyd or Gatlin or Raffy told the press "That's right motherfucker, I take steroids. It makes me a better athlete. It makes me faster and stronger and better. I also smoke crack too. That shit gets me fucking lifted. It makes me want to eat worms. What are you gonna do about it?" That's what I would tell them to say if I was their agent/publicist/manager, but that's probably why I'm not an agent/publicist/manager.

In other sports news, the Yankees swept all five games they played vs. the Red Sox this weekend. They outscored the Socks 49-26 and are now 6 1/2 games up in the standings. This is being compared to the Boston Massacre of 1978 (when the Yankees swept the Sox and outscored them 42-9 to to tie them in the standings after being behind 14 1/2 games eariler in the season), but I think it's more like the Boston Massacre from 1770 (when British soldiers fired into the crowd of protesters and killed five people).

The solution for the Red Sox if they want to make it to October is David Ortiz needs to start sharing some of the steroids he's using with his teammates. And also his crack. It's only fair. Coco Crisp goes well with the juice, not the milk. And Manny Ramirez needs some crack to offset all that glue he's been sniffing. That'll get them back on track.