Ricardo Montalban

I don't know when he died, but I was shocked when I saw Ricardo Montalban during the memorial segment of last night's Oscars. Actually, I had stopped paying attention at that point and only found out while reading a review of Queen Latifah's performance during that segment, but it's saddening to hear about his passing. I never met the man, I can't name anything that he did without looking it up first, but I am a fan, and I feel compelled to point out that Ricardo Montalban had one of the greatest names in the history of the world.

There are names who's lameness is easy to spot, like Tom Hanks. Regardless of how accomplished Hanks is, it's not a great name. There are names where greatness is evident, like Muhammad Ali (who's previous name, Cassius Clay, was also terrific). There are some names that look nice on paper, but aren't that fun to say out loud. Brad Pitt is the leader in this category, a shockingly not fun name to say, despite that it's a cool name. There are names that look plain, but is actually a lot of fun to say. Conan O'Brian is the first name that comes to mind.

Then there's Ricardo Montalban.

Ricardo is just one hell of a first name. It's similar to the name Richard, only doused in Tabasco sauce. If I was at a restaurant, and I had the choice between a pretty waitress named Samantha and a fat guy named Ricardo, I'm going with Ricardo every meal of the day. "Ricardo, get me a lemonade!" "Ricardo, fetch me some extra napkin!" There are plenty of nice looking ladies in the restaurant business. There aren't too many people named Ricardo. The law of averages brings me to that decision.

Montalban pushes the name to an even greater level. Montalban. What a rollercoaster of a surname. If that was my last name, I would charge Disney level admission for people to call me "Mr. Montalban." Adding a title to the surname is also important when judging the level of name greatness. Barack Obama is a great name, but President Obama sounds surprisingly bland. President Montalban, now there's a Commander-in-Chief. There has been talk about how Obama is saving the print business because every important news story about the the first black president becomes a collector's item, but imagine President Montalban in the headlines of all the major papers.

"President Montalban orders invasion of Guatamala"

"President Montalban addresses economy at G8 Summit"

"President Montalban eats ham sandwich at diner"

The New York Times would have a surplus every single quarter. The economy would be saved by the achievements of President Montalban.

I'm sad that Ricardo Montalban has died. His name will be missed by all that have read it aloud.