XLIII

I don't know who's going to win the Super Bowl this year.

This one should be a layup. On one hand you have the Steelers, which has the best defense in the league and is possibly one of the great defensive teams of all time. They have an experienced big game quarterback who has a Super Bowl ring. They have an excellent young black coach in the year where black people took control of the planet. Not only that, they're the Pittsburgh Steelers, one of the great franchises in NFL history. They have cool uniforms, they have rabid fans who wave around yellow towels, even the name Steelers sounds like a football name.

Then you have the Cardinals, featuring an old Jesus freak as quarterback and a wide receiver that had reconstructive surgery on his face like The Joker. They play in Arizona, which as we found out in 2008 may as well be named Loserville, USA. They've been the joke of the league for decades, they came out of nowhere to reach the premier sporting event in America, and the name Cardinal might be the least threatening team name in sports. I would rather call a team "the Cute Cuddly Rabbits".

So why is this such a hard game to pick? A few reasons:

1. Hines Ward has an injured knee. All reports say he's going to play, but he has a badly sprained MCL. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds bad.
2. Ben Roethlisberger is hurt. He was banged up enough in the AFC championship game that Tomlin had Byron Leftwich warming up. And just a month ago, he had a spinal cord concussion against the Cleveland Browns. If a sprained MCL sounds bad, then spinal cord concussion sounds superoutrageouslyterribleawful. Considering how often Roethlisberger gets sacked, I'm legitimately concerned that his head might fall off at some point.
3. Kurt Warner may be old, but he is really good. And he has Jesus on his side, which I suppose is a good thing unless you're one of the apostles.
4. Larry Fitzgerald is fucking awesome. Warner just heaving the ball into the air and the announcer saying "Fitzgerald down the field!!" has been the most exciting thing over the past month. Yes, Obama taking office was infinitely more historically exciting and important, but from a pure entertainment aspect that was tempered with the realization that all the late night comedy shows have no idea how to handle him. It's hard to make fun of Obama and it's painful to watch these comedians try to. It's easy for Fitzgerald to destroy NFL defenses and it's euphoric to watch him do exactly that.
5. Ken Whisenhunt is a former Steelers coach. I get flashbacks to the Bucs-Raiders Super Bowl in Jon Gruden's first year as Tampa Bay's head coach, one year removed from his stint with Oakland, and they just murdered the Raiders for 60 minutes while Gruden made the Chucky face every time the camera was on him. Totally different circumstances, Whisenhunt was on the Steelers 3 years ago and he was the offensive coordinator for Bill Cowher, but still. The weakness of the Steelers is their offense, and Whisenhunt at least has a working idea of how they operate.

Even with all that, it's hard to imagine the Steelers losing with that defense. The defense that practically killed Willis McGahee in the AFC championship. Not only that, their sound guys decide to play "Smooth" by Rob Thomas while he laying on the ground, not moving a muscle, basically saying the Steelers defense tells opposing teams they're just like the ocean under the moon. The Steelers defense is big and vast and full of sharks named Polamalu and Harrison. You have to give them your heart, make it real, or else forget about it. This paragraph just started to make no sense.

The Cardinals won't be able to run on the Steelers defense, even though Fitzgerald should have at least one big play that gets the stadium rocking, it won't be enough. Considering how banged up the Steelers O is as well, I'm guessing it'll be a low scoring game, and that the Steelers eek out with one of Roethlisberger's patented "What the fuck?" plays that somehow work.

Steelers 16, Cardinals 10
MVP: Troy Polamalu