People I Admire #543: 4th of July Edition

Today is the Fourth of July. According to the great poet, Stacy Kerosi, it is a day of family, food, fireworks, and fun. Unfortunately for Yankee fans across New York, the tri-state area, America, and the world, it also means that the year is half over and they're still under .500. It has been over a decade since the Yankees were under .500 this late in the season. Bill Clinton was President instead of being potentially the first first husband, JK Rowling was homeless instead of living in a gold mansion eating gold cheese and drinking gold wine, and George W. Bush was still a fuckup.

It has been a strange year, but still, Americans gather across the country to celebrate a day of joy and wonder, to look back at history and see how potential can be realized and greatness can be achieved. Americans gather across the country, watching fireworks, eating hot dogs, and singing songs, to celebrate a great life. Americans gather across the country to celebrate the life of George Steinbrenner.

George Steinbrenner, like America, was born on the 4th of July. George Steinbrenner, like America regarding Europe during World War II, promised a hands off approach to running the New York Yankees, only to say "Fuck it" and started taking control over everything. George Steinbrenner, like America, did a lot of illegal shit during the Nixon/Watergate era, such as support Richard Nixon. George Steinbrenner, like America, thought that Hideki Irabu was a fat toad.

And George Steinbrenner, like America, is apparently asleep at the wheel while everything falls apart.

What the hell George? Why hasn't everyone been fired yet? Why hasn't Brian Cashman been thrown off a building and eaten to death by wolves? Why isn't Joe Torre afraid of being tazered to insanity by men in black suits and black ties? It's fucking July 4th and your team is two games under .500? Where the hell are you, George?

If all this happened in 1987 instead of 2007, Jason Giambi would have been found in a parking lot somewhere with a rat shoved in his mouth and piss all over himself. Derek Jeter would have been given permission to unleash toxic nerve gas on the bullpen after they blew another game. A-Rod would have been subject to embarassing tabloid cover stories regarding a stripper and his wife wearing obscenity-laced T-Shirts.

OK, maybe the last one proves that George is still alive. But what about the other stuff? The old George Steinbrenner would have looked at the standings to see the Red Sox in first place, bought that crappy team, and shipped all their players to India. This should have been taken care of a long time ago.

These are the dark times.