Bank of America

I lost my ATM card today. This happens at least once every couple of years, like the Olympics. It's a shame too, because I thought I was getting better at taking care of my things. For instance, I've had my new computer for a couple of months now, and it hasn't broken yet. And I've only lost my metrocard once while coming home drunk this year. And after all this progress, I'm a little disappointed that I've slipped back into my old habits.

The worst part of calling the bank to report your ATM card is lost isn't the waiting. It's the music that they play while you wait for the next operator to take your call. My bank is Bank of America, so while I'm waiting for the operator to pick up, I have to hear the Bank of America theme over and over while the voiceover advertises all the wonderful features about the bank, which goes something like this: "Dooo dooo dooodooo dooodoo dooodooo". It's really annoying, but you learn a lot of great things about direct deposit and investment.

I had waited for about forty minutes, watching last night's Sopranos episode again and drinking gatorade while waiting for the stupid operator. And there's a scene in the episode where Tony is draining his pool. I drank more gatorade and a couple scenes later there's Patsy running through a stream behind the Bada Bing. The sounds of the stream echoed through my room, as the water beat against the rocks and Patsy's feet slushed against the brook as he tried to make his escape. And I was reminded of other great bodies of water, such as lakes and oceans. And I thought about the wetlands and reservoirs and waterfalls and the sounds of the water slamming against a dam that some beavers had created.

And I needed to go to the bathroom.

This is one of the toughest decisions a person can make, like which college you want to go to or which degree you should study for. I pondered this as I continued to finish my drink of gatorade¹. Should I hang up and go to the bathroom, or should I hold it in until after the call. Or should I take the forbidden step of going to the bathroom while I'm waiting and hope for the best.

The answer was a simple one. I chose option #3.

And man, what a trip to the bathroom it was! A delight. And the stupid BoA music continued to play as a finished my duties. I was home free. So I flushed the toilet...

...And I hear the customer service guy say something.

I didn't hear what he said, because, after all, the toilet was flushing, so I asked him to repeat himself. He laughed as he said "Bank of America Customer Service, how may I help you today?" and I realized that this probably happens to him all the time. And that's sad. It's sad that so many people are forced to think about oceans and streams and reservoirs while drinking gatorade because stupid Bank of America can't have a Customer Service Rep answer the phone in a timely fashion.

Shame on you Bank of America. Shame.

¹ Yes, the intelligent thing would have been to not continue drinking fluids when I had to go to the bathroom so badly, but that's not what I'm about.