The Lakehouse

I have the day off tomorrow and I have nothing to do, so I decided to drink a bottle of wine and pick a random movie on HBO On-Demand to write about. My goal for this was to watch a movie I would never watch under any other circumstances other than drunk, so the movie I ended up picking was "The Lake House", starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. Sandra Bullock is a doctor, and Keanu Reeves is Neo, the chosen one who will free humanity from machine slavery. They both live in the same house, but Bullock lives there circa 2006 and Neo lives there circa 2004. Sandra Bullock still looks pretty good for a person who dropped off the face of the earth for like ten years, and Keanu Reeves has the same expression on his face for the entire movie.

Unfortunately, other than the two stars, this movie doesn't have anything to do with Speed, which is the classic 1994 movie about a bus in California. There is a bus however, that crashes into a car and Sandra Bullock runs to the scene and checks on the man lying on the side of the road, but it's not about the bus (although the bus accident scene ends up being important). This movie is how Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock both fell in love with a mailbox. Both Bullock and Neo fall in love with the mail box, and they send letters to each other in the mailbox. When the mailbox has it's flag up, that means that there is a letter in the mailbox. It also means that the mailbox is horny, and needs some good old fashioned lovin'.

Neo, when he gets letters from Bullock saying that it's 2006 and she lives at the Lakehouse and she wants her mail, is all "What the fuck?", because it's 2004 where he's from, and machines have taken over the earth and use humans as some form of electricity. Neo sends her a letter and is all "Whoa, you got the date wrong and the address wrong. I live here, you don't live here. Whoa." And Bullock is all "Whatever man, here's a scarf because there's going to be a snowstorm in April." Neo doesn't believe her, but then looks out the window, and it's snowing outside. Whoa!

They continue to send each other letters, while stroking the mailbox's flag up and down every time they send one. It turns out that Sandra Bullock has a dog named Jack that goes "Arf arf!", and it seems that Neo also has a dog named Jack that goes "Arf arf!" Eventually, they both fall in love with one another, breaking the mailbox's heart in the process. They plan to go on walks at the same time, only two years apart, and Neo plants a tree. If this sounds pretty gay, that's because it is.

In the end, it turns out that Neo battles Agent Smith and dies so that Zion and humanity can be saved. But somehow, Sandra Bullock is able to warn him that he'll die because she's two years in the future, so Neo ends up not dying, and Zion gets fucked over. The end.

** (two stars).