Dragon Quest

Today, I had an awful day at work. I usually don't have a good time at work, because it's work after all. Sometimes, work is boring and tedious. Other times, it is hectic and intense. But today was an especially tough and trying day. Today was a day that tested my mettle and intestinal fortitude. Today was a day that I knew that I had crossed the line between childhood and adulthood. And after today, I know that there is no going back.

This, of course, is because my boss turned into a dragon.

It started off as a normal day. I got into work about 20 minutes late, I turned on my computer and just stared at my screen for about 10 minutes. I tried to imagine being some place better, like Puerto Rico, or Venus, something to get me through the day. Work is hard, and I have always maintained that the best way to get your work done is to pretend you're doing something else.

I was about to get started on some reports when suddenly, I heard my boss screaming on the phone. She has this deep, baritone voice, that turns into a full fledged shriek when she is angry. I could tell that this was not a good conversation, so I decided to walk over to her side of the office and see if I could make out what was happening.

I got up from my cubicle and literally walked two steps, when a great roar echoed throughout the building. Suddenly, fire shot out from around the corner, and a great crash brought the ceiling down. I stood there and looked at the carnage that had occured, and I looked up into the bright blue sky.

The dragon was about ten feet tall and could fly like an eagle, and could breathe fire like a drunk guy sparking up a lighter and spitting vodka out of his mouth. I ran to the window where millions of people looked and pointed up at the great beast in the sky, all saying to themselves "Oh fuck! There's a big fucking giant dragon in the sky!"

The great beast roared again, and set fire to several buildings across the street. She swooped down to the streets below and opened her mouth, swallowing pedestrians whole. The police and fire department quickly rushed to the scene, only to be overwhelmed by the unimaginable force that was my boss, the dragon. Within minutes, an entire city block was in ruins.

There could be only one hero to save the day, I thought to myself. Only one person was able stand up and stop this monster from setting the world aflame. Unfortunately, Batman is a fictional character, so I decided that I would have to take the job myself.

I ran outside and whistled, and my trusty unicorn friend, Skipper, galloped to my side. I wielded my sword and began to chase down the fearsome creature, who had flown off into the distance. Skipper and I traveled for hours, pursuing the beast to its hiding place in the forest. We traveled by land, and we traveled by sea. We traveled by road, and we traveled by air. Skipper wasn't allowed to get on the airplane, because the FAA is prejudiced against horned creatures, so I had to continue my journey alone.

I reached my destination shortly after, the forest where the dragon went into hiding. I stood in the center of the woods, and I called out "Come forth, dragon!"

And she did.

The dragon crept out of the shadows, a sinister, menacing look on her face. She had killed, and she was willing to kill again. I have to admit, I was terribly frightened. It isn't easy looking a dragon in the face and realizing that you may not survive this encounter. I imagine that this is the same way a soldier feels as he looks upon the battlefield, or when a dinner guest of Candy Crowley asks her to have a bite of her pork chop. I had to do what I had to do, because that's what true heroism is all about. I took a deep breath, and stepped forward to face my destiny.

"Yo, what the fuck! You have to stop turning into a dragon!" I yelled at the beast.

The dragon looked at me.

"You destroyed buildings, you ate people. That's not right! Eating people is not right!" I continued.

The dragon stared at me, and I wondered for a second if I had made a terrible mistake. My life flashed before my eyes. It was in black and white, which was a pleasant surprise. I always felt that black and white was classier than color, even though high-definition is pretty fucking sweet. Although I don't think I would like to watch the scenes of my life in high-def, so I was pretty glad my life was being retold to me in the classic form.

I continued to look back at my life in black and white, when the dragon opened her mouth. I braced myself, but instead the dragon sighed.

"I know," she said, sitting down on a log on the ground, frustrated.

I put down my sword and sat next to her.

"Look, I know things are hard, and sometimes you want to give up on life. But you have to stay strong. You can't give into weakness. You have to confront your pain and just keep moving forward! You can't just go around, transforming into a dragon, every time you get frustrated!" I said.

My boss, the dragon, thought this over for a moment, then finally said, "You're right."

I nodded my head. Of course I was right.

"And you know what, I think I'm going to give you a million dollars!" the dragon said.

"Yeah!" I exclaimed. This made me happy.

"Better make that 2 million. Actually, ten million. And I'm giving you the next two years off!"

"Hooray!" I said.

The dragon roared one last time and then she transformed back into my boss. I was glad to see her again.