Witness

The other day, I was sitting around, thinking about life. I took a deep look at my place in the world, and I realized that I need to make a change. Change can be scary, but I think that it is for the best. I need to do something positive and constructive with my life, and I really need to start thinking more about my future. Which is why I plan on joining the Witness Protection Program.

True, I've never witnessed any serious crimes, but I'm sure if I walked around the Bronx for a day I'm bound to see something. And afterwards, I'm signing up for that Witness Protection shit and I'm going to go to court and rat on all those motherfuckers. People say that snitching is bad, and I'm sure that some of my old homies will start calling me Snitchy McRatterton, and there will be bounties on my head. But that's why I'm going into witness protection.

As soon as I testify, and within minutes I'll be sent to live in a two bedroom house in Arizona. My name will be Henry Perkins the 3rd. I imagine that I'll have to completely change my persona in order to keep up appearances, so I'd probably start wearing nice hats, and sing "Africa" by Toto whenever I go to karaoke bars. For work, I'll open up a store where I can sell rocks. The slogan for my store will be "Rocks rock!" and there will be a picture with a rock holding a guitar.

And in 2008 on election day I can vote for John McCain. I normally wouldn't vote for him, but Henry Perkins the 3rd would. And after I vote, I'm gonna to run to McCain headquarters and tell Senator McCain the news. I'll go "Yeah, fuck Hillary Clinton! Electing a 72 year old man to the highest office in the land is a terrific idea! High five! Oh wait, you can't lift your arms over your head because you were tortured in Vietnam. Better make that a low five!"

The great Dusty Springfield once sang "Can I get a witness?" You have one right here Dusty. You have one right here.