Taco Hell

I went to Taco Bell on Sunday, but I didn't get stricken with e. coli. I'm kind of disappointed because I feel it would have been a new, exciting experience.

Sometime this weekend or next week, I think I'm going to apply for food stamps. Not because I need it or anything, but just to see if I can. I feel like I'm missing out on an opportunity to save cash and I think I should start making the most of it, or at least try to.

To do this, I figure that I'll have to pretend to be poor. That should be easy. I will just shop at wherever homeless people shop. They have a lot of ratty looking shirts and dirty pants. I could do this myself, but I really want to appear authentic.

Then I assume that I have to be interviewed. This could potentially be a deal breaker, but I figure that if I cry, then no one will have the heart to say no to me, lest they be looked upon as a heartless fiend. Some of the best actors in the universe are able to cry on demand and make it seem realistic. I am not a good actor and cannot cry on demand, so I figure that I will have to buy a dog, become very good friends with it, and then let it run around in a busy intersection.

I will also talk in an accent that no one would understand.

Finally, I'd probably have to fill out some paperwork and give some identification. There is no way around this one, so I will just have to lie and hope that no one notices. Historically, one big lie always seems to work much more effectively than little lies, or at least that's what they say. Therefore, I will tell them that I am the father of half the population of Ghana and feel a moral obligation to support all of my children, and therefore I do not have money to buy groceries with my current salary.

Imagine if it works. That would really be a lifesaver for me. I spend way too much money on food. I have no problem eating government issued cheese. Maybe I'll join the army, grab as many boxes of rations that I can, then quit before they send me to Iraq.

This is a good idea.