July 27, 2006

Cheat to Win

The big news of today is that Floyd Landis apparently cheated in Le Tour de France and will likely be stripped of his victory in the event. I don't necessarily see how this is cheating because everyone in cycling is on something, Landis was just dumb and didn't take the drugs needed to balance his testosterone/epitestosterone levels. I'm more upset that he was dumb enough to get caught. Either way, he cheated his sport and tainted the event, but I don't hold that against him. Everyone cheats.

One thing I miss most about school is cheating. I wasn't the best, but I knew some tricks and was pretty good at it. Some classes were really easy to cheat in. Everyone openly cheated in my Spanish II class in my last semester of college. My professor was Colombian or Argentinian (same thing) and he had other things to worry about, like his family getting kidnapped by drug lords. Other classes were kind of hard, and tricks like writing on the back of an Aquafina label or spiking the professor's coffee were necessary. I'd help other people cheat too. I even helped get my roommate into grad school because he's a fucking retard and didn't know what to write in a paper about himself, so I wrote most of it for him. Some people complain that it cheats the people who actually studied and worked hard, and it probably does.

You know who got cheated? The twelve Apostles. Their leader (Jesus, Not(cho) Jesus) is about to get whacked by the Romans, and after all that time following him around while he did miracles and people threw palms at him or whatever, you'd think they'd at least get a decent meal out of it. What did they get? Fucking bread.

Jesus: You guys are my best friends, and this might be the last time we ever see each other. Let's make this last supper a memorable one.
Peter: Great, what are we having?
Jesus: Bread.


My fifth grade teacher used to get pissed when someone refered to Holy Communion as bread. She was one of those religious lunatics, so she used to insist that Jesus turned his bread into his body and wine into his blood. Meaning that Jesus turned his best friends into cannibals.

That's why if I had to pick four people from history I'd want to have dinner with, I wouldn't choose Jesus (for the record, I'd pick FDR, Julius Caesar, Sammy Davis Jr., and Rachael Ray). He's a good guy and all, but he was a terrible dinner host. And the Apostles spent the next 10-30 years getting martyred. That was their last chance at a good meal among friends and he cheated them by turning them into cannibals.

So that's why I don't think it's that bad that I cheated on some tests, or that Floyd Landis cheated to win Le Tour, or that Barry Bonds cheated to hit 73 home runs. Jesus cheated his own best friends, and he's God. Why should Floyd Landis be held to a higher standard than God?








Welcome to the club Floyd.

(Oh, and I'm fully aware I'm probably going to hell for calling Jesus a cheater. That's okay though, I don't feel as if I'm getting cheated.)

1 comment:

Angie Pansey said...

Great blog! Cheers. :-)