Say it ain't so

There was a time when I wished that Joe Torre was a part of my family. In many ways, he was. I grew up with Torre as manager of the Yankees. When he was named manager, I was an 8th grader who drank sacramental wine at church because that was the only way I could get some booze. When he left in November 2007 after turning down a $5.5 million contract, I had a steady job and I stopped going to church because I discovered bars and that getting old has some perks. Did watching him sit on a bench and pick his nose or talk in a monotone voice at press conferences affect my life? Of course not. But it felt like it did. It's the same way a person can get attached to a baseball team, and why seeing players and coaches leave is different from any other sport. They're in your life every day, they become a part of your routine, they're there every year, and suddenly they're gone.

Families are never gone though. You may not stay in touch with them every day, you may only see them once every few years, you may not even see them at all, but they're still your family. They're always there, even if the ones you don't always get along with. And even people you wish were family somehow find a way back into your life.

One of the worst things about family is that their words hurt the most. I could be walking on the street and a person could call me a dirtbag, and I wouldn't break stride. If my grandma called me a dirtbag, now that's something that would make me stop, because my grandma rarely has a bad thing to say about anyone. The worst part is if what they're saying is true. If they're the ones confirming that the rumors are actually facts. If they're the ones bringing your secrets out into the open.

That a story came out that A-Rod was an insecure guy who was overly concerned with what people, specifically Derek Jeter, isn't exciting. Neither is a story about the Yankees management being disrespectful in their multi-million dollar negotiations. Pick up any New York tabloid at any point during the year, there's a good chance there's an article or blurb about either one of those stories. We've known for years that A-Rod isn't the most personable guy in the world. We've known for decades that the George Steinbrenner is a cross between General Patton and the devil and it seems like his sons are cut from the same cloth. We've known for a long time that the Yankee GM is essentially an envoy of the Steinbrenner family, even a guy who has a lot of power like Brian Cashman.

What's shocking is that it's Joe Torre telling those stories. Joe Torre! The protector of the clubhouse, friend to all players, the patron saint of Yankee managers. The same Joe Torre who guarded his players fiercely in the media, who kept problems in house, who refused to accept a contract worth millions of dollars out of principle, worked with a sports writer and dished dirt in a tell-all book.

Torre details in his new book "The Yankee Years" how players used to call A-Rod "A-Fraud" and how the best player in the world had a "Single White Female"-type obsession with Jeter. He tells his version of the infamous meeting where the Steinbrenners gave him a one year $5.5 million contract plus incentives that was intended for him to turn down by the way it was presented to him. There is a part of the book explaining how Brian Cashman didn't say a word in his defense and didn't bring up his proposal for a 2 year, multi-million dollar contract with the bosses until after the meeting. And perhaps most surprisingly, Torre talks about how his doctors told George Steinbrenner about his cancer in 1999 before they told him.

And that's just the parts of the book that were leaked to the media. That's just one chapter.

Was Joe Torre a part of my family? No. I knew that in 1996, I knew that in 2007, and I certainly know that now. I wouldn't disrespect my family by saying that some guy that I've watched sitting in a ball park was one of the closest people to me. Athletes and coaches can be admired, they can be respected, they can even be revered, but they can never be your family.

Do I still wish he was a part of my family? That's a question I can only answer with three words...

...Oh hell yeah!

The man was offered $5.5 million dollars to manage the New York Yankees for a year...and he turned that down. He turned down $5.5 million dollars, plus incentives, just because he felt they disrespected him! Someone handed me a contract worth $5.5 million dollars, they could slap me in the face and pull my pants down while they do it, I would sign on that dotted line. The only thing that would make me hesitate would be if I had to wipe the tears of pain and joy streaming down my face.

Not only is he so rich that he's able to turn down multi-million dollar contracts, Torre is going to make millions of more on this new book! If he doesn't swim in a pool full of hundred dollar bills every other day, then he's going to be able to do that now. He's probably smoking a $100 cigar as I write this. I'm not saying the cigar cost $100, I'm saying that instead of tobacco, he's smoking a $50 bill wrapped in another $50 bill. Joe Torre is loaded, and seems generous enough to buy everyone he knows a new car. Of course I want him as a part of my family!

I'm as big a Yankee fan as anyone I know, but if Torre wanted to adopt me, I would throw on a #6 Dodger jersey and encourage him to write as many books as he wanted. The Steinbrenner family would have to offer me at least a two year contract to make me reconsider.

I still love you Joe!